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2013 June 7

Best Man Rap Help with Basic Music

I am looking for someone that can help me write a rap that I will sing as my best man speech for my best friend. I am also looking for someone that has some music recording equipment and talent to put together a beat/rhythm/tune, etc. to serve as the background of my rap. I will provide background stories, basic personal quips, and anything else that will help put together an EPIC best man rap/speech. I want it to be both funny and touching (funny emotional is the best), so love quotes and favorite songs and poems of the bride and groom need be included (I will provide). I am also looking for a chorus that can be sung by maid of honor or groomsmen. Also, I want to work with the individual (personal sessions are encouraged) to make it personal and work out any personal details and limitations to my rapping skills. This should be a considered a joint project and any rights to any lyrics created will be discussed during the first session.


Okay, on the one hand this is kind of sweet. On the other, more important hand … this will not end well. In fact, this will probably end up very, very poorly. If you have to put in the ad that you may need to work around limitations to your rapping skills, perhaps you need to rethink the poor life choices that have brought you to this point.

On the OTHER other hand, we’ve got a whole lot of creative people here, so maybe we can help out a bit. (YSaC is, after all, all about helping people.)* Let’s arbitrarily say that the groom’s name is Winston and the bride’s name is Pickles. I’m SURE we can come up with something that will suffice for this couple!

Thanks, Kate!

*This may not actually be true.

47 Responses leave one →
  1. 2013 June 7

    Pickles marries Winston? Not yet in California. Sigh. But I love the idea of a Best Man Rap at the reception!*

    *The validity of this statement is suspect and requires citation.

    Adores: 2
    • 2013 June 7
      arallyn permalink

      All I can think about now is Winston Bananas getting married to my handsome Manx, Pickles.

      The fat dumpy friend (my ugly cat Zarkoth) would be the best man. He would sit on Pickles during the reception and lick his face for the speech. There would be a catfight (duh) between Winston and Zarkoth. Tears would be shed. Fur would be ruffled. In the end, the only thing that would calm the wedding party down would be the ceremonial partitioning of the ‘nip.

      Adores: 3
    • 2013 June 7
      nojazzhere permalink

      I like the idea of making this personal…..”(personal sessions are encouraged) to make it personal and work out any personal details…….”…….since my rapping skills, too, are limited, I’m thinking along the lines of ” There once was a young couple from Nantucket, etc. etc. On a related/unrelated note, could you also come up with a rap for the LAST DAY OF CLASSES!!!!!!!!!?…..maybe something rhyming with WAHOOOO!!!!! Band practice with beveraging tonight! Don’t be late.

      Adores: 6
  2. 2013 June 7

    Okay I’ll get us started with the beatboxing:

    Boom-boom-TSH, boom-boomboom-TSH,
    Boom-boom-TSH, boom-BOOM-boomboom-TSH…

    Adores: 5
  3. 2013 June 7
    kelli permalink

    Let it be known that I now request, nay, I demand that nothing but gangster rap be played at all my future birthdays, weddings, graduations, bubble baths, spa nights, and funerals (I don’t plan on dying, but if I do, I don’t plan on staying dead).

    Adores: 7
  4. 2013 June 7
    limelolly permalink

    Now, this is the story all about how
    My life got flipped-turned upside down
    And I’d like to take a minute
    Just sit right there
    I’ll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air

    Adores: 5
  5. 2013 June 7

    I’ll be the best man in the morning.
    My speech will epically suck.
    Never, my deah,
    Was a worse idea.
    When Winston hears, he’ll run amok.

    Adores: 3
    • 2013 June 7

      I remember the day we watched Saw three
      It was Winston, Fiancée, and me
      Always third wheel
      Tried coping a feel
      I scared Winston so much that he peed.

      Adores: 7
      • 2013 June 8
        CapnMac permalink

        “Coping” and “copping” being two diff’rnt strokes, bro’.

        “Cop” coming from archaic/mid English (copj IIRC), meaning to steal, seize, take hold of.
        It is a measure of British humor that Sir Robert Peel’s uniformed officers were called “coppers.” This neatly encompassed how their function was to seize and take hold of criminals. While also including a sense of Peelers having a sticky-fingered sense of private property. Which also neatly related to how Bobbies were paid so little that their wages could be made in all copper coin.

        “Coping” in the other hand, as a noun, referring to decoratively-cut mouldings. The noun coming from the verb for making intricate cuts, particularly where intricate carvings fit together. The term is still common for woodworking, where the stiles and rails of doors are fit with “cope-and-stick” jointery. This is often a point of pride for cabinet door makers.

        Some evidence that our modern sense of “cope” to mean “get along/fit in” comes from the woodworking term.

        But, my brain does not well cope with the use of sawyery in context of sneaking a palpitation of another person’s sexy bits . . .

        Adores: 0
  6. 2013 June 7

    Hmm, Winston and Pickles. I can’t think of a rap but if you light one of those up can you imagine the smell?

    Adores: 1
    • 2013 June 7
      DigitalAxis permalink

      oh god

      Adores: 1
    • 2013 June 7
      Windrose permalink

      *blink* You know, the original Winston and Pickes were genie pigs. Lighting up one of those is not advisable, per the surgeon general.

      Adores: 4
      • 2013 June 7
        Irregular Fractal permalink

        Rubbing a genie pig, however, leads to wishes.
        Or static electricity.

        One of those. I always forget which.

        Adores: 7
        • 2013 June 7
          camille permalink

          I miss Winston and Pickles.

          Adores: 3
  7. 2013 June 7

    I’ll handle the beat!


    Adores: 6
  8. 2013 June 7
    DigitalAxis permalink

    My best friends rappin’ to my freshest beats,
    got my best suit on and my rappin’ cleats
    Cause I run you ’round up and down the street
    I like this wedding cake and my whiskey neat

    Want you… to know about my best friend
    ‘Cause he’s… going to the best end
    Check out his best girl, they so sweet together
    Like cookies and cream, they gonna be forever

    Met in the school,
    or at the pool
    I don’t really know but I don’t wanna play the fool
    ‘Cause it’s their day
    He’s goin’ all the way
    Then they gonna have the sweetest ever ro-man-tic vacay

    Slip slide into holy matrimony
    He’s stoked, ’cause she’s his one-and-only
    This ain’t no hocus-pocus baloney
    When they done she got power of atto’ney

    Adores: 13
  9. 2013 June 7
    penguin permalink

    What Sparky was really saying : “Need help to guarantee I’ll never be asked to be a best man ever again”

    Adores: 5
  10. 2013 June 7

    Rapped suspicially similar to Kid Rock’s I Wanna Be A Cowboy

    WinstonPickles y’all are swell
    I can rap really well

    WinstonPickles y’all are married
    Y’all’s wedding rings I carried

    WinstonPickles will be togetha
    Until there’s a change in the weatha

    He’ll leave her for a cousin
    ‘Cause we all know his family tree don’t fork

    She’ll leave him for her career
    Selling hot dogs in New York

    Bridesmaid chorus
    High school sweethearts are joined today
    We’re so happy for our two best friends
    Such a beautiful bride and handsome groom
    We hope you enjoy your honeymoon
    We know the walmart pics will come out great
    They’re the best photographers in the state
    This shindig’s quite a party
    We’re so full from eating so hearty

    Then they’ll get back togetha
    Just in time for calmer weatha

    Pump out kids like they’re puppies
    Glad they’re not big-city yuppies

    WinstonPickles livin’ in the yard
    Behind his maw and paw’s maw and paw’s goat barn

    WinstonPickles grew up togetha
    We’re all still surprised he didn’t go for her brotha

    That wedding cake sure looks fine
    I think I shouldn’ta had so much wine

    Yo Winston
    Yo Winston
    Yo Winston

    Yo Pickles
    Yo Pickles
    Yo Pickles

    All y’all’s friends are fairly certain
    You’ll be together at the final curtain

    Between now and then just rememba
    How happy you are this day in Septemba

    repeat bridesmaid chorus twice

    bridesmaids: Yo Winston repeat
    groomsmen: Yo Pickles repeat

    Winston, how’s that for the wedding roast? I think it sounds pretty good. What? You wanted a toast? Nah, not as funny. I’m sticking with this.

    Adores: 4
    • 2013 June 7

      I learned something from this. It’s pretty easy to write a crappy rap. If Best Man* expects anything better, he should probably be more concerned about up-front pay than worry so much about royalties.

      *No evidence to support his claim to this title.

      Adores: 1
      • 2013 June 7
        Bombdude permalink

        It’s pretty easy to write a crappy

        There, I fixed it for you…

        Adores: 2
        • 2013 June 7
          mudslicker permalink

          It’s pretty easy to write a crappy rappy

          There, I fixed it for you….

          Adores: 1
        • 2013 June 7
          nojazzhere permalink

          …..It’s pretty easy to write crap……There, I fixed it for both of you.

          Adores: 4
      • 2013 June 8
        CapnMac permalink

        Hmm, perhaps Spark ought be taught the tradition of the Best Man in context.

        The tradition comes from Scotland (as do a number of fun things). It, as do so many of the traditions of western matrimony, addresses the chattel nature of daughters, and that fathers expected to be paid for the trouble of raising a daughter to suitable age. If a person lived in poor pastoral place like the Scot’s Highlands, raising a brideprice was probably beyond a given suitor’s life’s wages. So, what was a love-lorn Scot to do?

        Simple, he found his best man, and borrowed up some horses, and , in an opportune moment, swoop up the bride, and ride off to the kirk in the next Glen. Often, the bride’s bestie rode along to chaperone the affair, becoming maid-of-honour in more than one sense. But, the role of the Best Man was to face the congregation, not the pastor, the better to guard against interference by the bride’s relatives.

        Note, in an “approved” wedding, there were no need of bridesmaids no groomsmen–beyond those squires, pages, equerries, a person of ‘suitable’ status would have anyway.

        The traditions blended, particularly in that the “shame” of having an eloped daughter was rather offset by not having to purchase a wedding, and host the no-doubt in-numerous relatives a daughter-thieving popinjay would be kin to.

        This being an egalitarian can make a person a cranky feminist; an’ a’t’sa wrap.

        Adores: 1
  11. 2013 June 7

    Winston and Piclkles?

    *sniffle*I miss that puppy*sniffle*

    Adores: 4
  12. 2013 June 7
    Irregular Fractal permalink

    Now this is the story all about how
    Our lives got flipped, turned upside down
    And I’d like to take a minute to impress
    The tale of how Winston met the pickly girl in the dress

    Lower east side of the Bronx she was born and raised
    In her folks’ pickle house she spent most of her days
    Chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool
    And all snacking on the garlic dills outside of the school
    When a couple of guys, they were up to no good
    Started making trouble in the neighborhood
    She got tossed in one pickle vat and her mom got scared,
    And said “You’re moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air”

    She whistled for a cab and when it came near
    The cabbie (that was me) said, you’ve got a cute rear!
    I know a guy who’s into vinegar lives out on the coast
    I can hook you up with him if you’ll let me make the toast

    I pulled up Winston’s house about seven or eight
    And I yelled to the girl, “Yo Pickles, smell you later!”
    She looked at her kingdom she was finally there
    To live happily with Winston in their place in Bel Air.

    Adores: 6
    • 2013 June 7
      MissMommyNiceNice permalink

      I’m sorry to inform you I just notified the police that you were shooting some people outside of school and you should be on the lookout for the entire Philadelphia police force. *

      * this may or may not be true **
      ** not true, but based on a true story

      Adores: 0
  13. 2013 June 7
    Windrose permalink

    So we are mostly white folk who don’t know shit about rap. 8)

    I’ll be cleaning out my closet.

    Adores: 2
    • 2013 June 7
      mudslicker permalink

      Gwyneth Paltrow on line #2 for you. Al Sharpton is still holding on #1.

      Adores: 1
    • 2013 June 7
      nojazzhere permalink

      So we are mostly white folk who don’t know sh.–// SHUT YO MOUF!!!!! ///SHAFT!!!! (can you diggit????)

      Adores: 4
  14. 2013 June 7
    MissMommyNiceNice permalink

    Hip to the hop to the hippity hop
    Yo remember that time I saw Pickles without her top
    Girl you got some t!tties that are oh so fine
    I always wished they were mine
    But my homey Winston got that locked up tight
    Oh, sh!t here comes the wedding fight!

    Adores: 7
    • 2013 June 7

      Tits aside, that’s pretty gangsta for a mommy.

      Adores: 6
      • 2013 June 7
        MissMommyNiceNice permalink

        How do you think I got to be a mommy in the first place? Obviously I wooed my husband with my mad rhymes! Everyone who was thinking of a different answer involving titties, proceed directly to the corner and no beveraging !

        Adores: 4
        • 2013 June 7
          Kaziganthi permalink

          No beveraging in the corner!?!

          I thought the corner was all about the beveraing!

          Adores: 3
  15. 2013 June 7
    Kaziganthi permalink

    Now here’s a little story I gots to tell,
    about three bad folk you know so well.
    It started way back in history with Winston, Pickles, and me, Best Man.

    Adores: 2
    • 2013 June 7
      LurkRealClose permalink

      Pick was looking for her friend, but she ran into this guy.
      His name was Mr. Winston. He said “Howdy”; she was shy.

      He told a little story that sounded well rehearsed
      Four years he was single and now he’s going to burst

      Adores: 2
  16. 2013 June 7
    MissMommyNiceNice permalink

    Brian Williams is the n!gg@ that pays me!

    Adores: 1
  17. 2013 June 8

    Irregular Fractal, in the HOUSE! In the BAUX! In the Beginning! Now and FOREVER! Punchity PUNCH PUNCH! Yo!

    Good Morning, Slim Shady!

    Adores: 1
  18. 2013 June 10
    bob permalink

    That’s three hands.

    Adores: 0

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