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2014 February 17

Just to start with – this was posted nowhere near California.

Historic Tablecloth used for Royalty coronation


Tablecloth used for coronation (California)
OK this probably not the place to post an item like this but you never know. It was est value at the hungarian national museum was $12,000,000.00 back in 1990, But since museums do not buy things and I am in no position to donate this item I am selling it for a fair price, will entertain offers, It will probably sell to someone who loves history and royalty. This is the tablecloth with napkins that was used for English Royalty to the Queen of Bohemia to the Eszterhazy Hungarian Royals to the Habsburgs to the coronations of Franz Joseph to many Royal weddings. Entertaining offers, will consider a little trading for items i want. The Coat of Arms has many things incorporated with it, from the chesholm clan of scotland to the royals of England to the Polish Royalty to Queen of Bohemia to the Habsburgs to Hungarian Royalty. You will never see such detail and so many things sewn into this masterpiece, its a big item. No worn areas, no soft areas, its in wonderful shape. Could be framed in a large high room and the napkins can be in smaller frames on the wall. I will be moving back to Europe so will be selling many things, from art to interesting items to some of my classic cars. I collect very old books and art and silver or any noble metal gold. I can also trade up if its something incredible. Not everyday can you own such a grand historic item that was used by the holy roman empire. Serious Only Please, Please no wasting anybodies time.

It was also posted nowhere near Hungary, England, Bohemia, Scotland, Poland, or Hapsburgia. What’s that you say? There IS no such place as Haspburgia? I say it’s just as believable as the REST of this ad. Plus, “Hapsburgia” is objectively a fun word to say.

Still, I’d kind of like to see this coat of arms. If it combines elements of the coats of arms of the Esterhazys, England, Poland, Bohemia, Scotland, Clan Chesholm, and the Holy Roman Empire, not to mention the Hapsburgians, then at the very least it’s going to have to contain a griffon, a lion, a unicorn, an eagle, another lion, a double-headed eagle, any number of random crowns and stripes, a few more random lions and unicorns, the golden fleece, and a pig’s head on a stick. (I am not making this up.)

This thing must be enormous. Then again – if it was used by the entire Holy Roman Empire, that’s a lot of people to sit at one tablecloth. Even if you’re just serving them Hapsburgers and fries.

Thanks for the post, Camille!

63 Responses leave one →
  1. 2014 February 17
    MissMommyNiceNice permalink

    But will it fit on my red table?

    Adores: 6
  2. 2014 February 17

    Is this the real life?
    Is this just fantasy?
    Writing this strange ad,
    You’ve escaped from reality.

    Open your eyes;
    Look up to the skies and see.
    It’s just a tablecloth; you get no sympathy,
    And if it’s really that old and grand,
    I’m the King of Thailand.
    What you say it’s used for doesn’t really matter to me, to me.

    Adores: 21
    • 2014 February 17
      Brer Fox permalink

      Oh Rhapsody! Doors for Dave.
      Door used for closing and opening.(bathroom)
      Ok, this probably not the place to post an item like this but you never know.
      It was est value at the Snark Lounge was $1.20[more zeros] back just a few seconds ago. This was the door with the hinges that was used to hold it up in front of the loo. The coat rack of deer hooves are all sparkly like the latest vampires. It will bedazzle your senselessness. The door is made of the finest fur of a lion, a unicorn, or a bear.(Oh my!)
      Could be framed in a large high room so the children can crawl underneath. Not everyday can you own such a grand historic monstrosity that was used by the Hokey Smokers of the Bullwinkle. Serious “only” please.

      Adores: 5
    • 2014 February 17
      Ralph permalink

      Bohemian Tapestry?

      Close enough.

      Adores: 9
  3. 2014 February 17

    Pay no attention to that little reddish-brown stain on the corner, that’s where Marie lost her head…literally.

    Oh, and the Dr. Pepper stains? Yes, well Mr. Kennedy borrowed the cloth for some ceremony involving some young men and well, one of them spilled some Dr. Pepper on it. His name was Forrest something…not that it matters, but you know just to prove this is legit.

    Adores: 13
  4. 2014 February 17

    The seller clearly suffers from Hapsburger’s Syndrome. It is a serious mental disorder that causes them to fabricate incredible, complex backstories about their everyday household items. It is a very real condition so we should not make fun.

    Adores: 11
    • 2014 February 17
      Demon Duck of Doom permalink

      Where is that on the Austrohungarism spectrum?

      Adores: 8
  5. 2014 February 17
    MissMommyNiceNice permalink

    A lot of people are getting noble metal gold these days. It’s almost as if there is some sort of epic elite sportsing event going on…

    Adores: 5
    • 2014 February 17
      nojazzhere permalink

      What!!!!?… no Holy Roman toothpicks to go with this obviously rare and genuine relic???

      (would you take $11.9 million? My dot-com fortune isn’t what it used to be)

      Adores: 9
  6. 2014 February 17
    HamCan permalink

    Historic Tablecloth

    This will go perfectly with my Epic Doily collection!

    Adores: 15
    • 2014 February 17

      Eh, I see it more as a compliment to the Heroic Tapestry in the Living Room of Justice, myself.

      Adores: 4
  7. 2014 February 17
    CapnMac permalink

    [heraldic corey]

    then at the very least it’s going to have to contain a griffon, a lion, a unicorn, an eagle, another lion, a double-headed eagle, any number of random crowns and stripes, a few more random lions and unicorns, the golden fleece, and a pig’s head on a stick.

    The task will be rather complicated since, the rules of Heraldry require elements of equal rank to be both equiportioned, and equiposed.

    So, the lions, and the Griffon, and the double-headed eagle all have to be the same size, and about the same position.

    They could be circular, but, the proximities have to reflect current marital-political relationships.

    After which, stars, planets, crowns, marshmallow moons galore may be strewn, Haspburgundian, all about.

    [/corey]

    Adores: 9
    • 2014 February 17

      Not sure who will get this, but in the Society for Creative Anachronism, we say that heralds don’t pun, the cant.

      Adores: 2
  8. 2014 February 17
    Irregular Fractal permalink

    When word gets out on this, there’s sure to be a Scandal in Bohemia.

    I know just who to call.

    Adores: 7
    • 2014 February 17
      HamCan permalink

      Scaramouche?
      Galileo?

      Adores: 6
      • 2014 February 17
        Irregular Fractal permalink

        I don’t know. Neither of them seem to be Ms. Adler’s type.

        Adores: 4
        • 2014 February 17

          Oh, I know who you’re talking about!

          You must mean Nikola Tesla!

          [/purposely missing the mark]

          Adores: 3
      • 2014 February 17

        Beelzebub ? (has a devil of a son!)

        Adores: 2
  9. 2014 February 17
    Brer Fox permalink

    will entertain offers

    I offer you this dime. Now juggle these lions and unicorns and this griffon too.

    Adores: 7
    • 2014 February 17
      HamCan permalink

      Your drunk tests are hard!

      Adores: 5
      • 2014 February 17

        Man, I can’t even do that shit sober! And I don’t even drink in the first place!

        Adores: 4
        • 2014 February 17

          Well, there’s your problem. Somebody give SC the flask.

          Adores: 3
        • 2014 February 17
          Bombdude permalink

          I never drink in the first place. They always expect you to, so that’s how I fool ’em. I always drink in the *second* place!

          Adores: 8
        • 2014 February 17

          Third place still has you beat. They got to the bar late, so they get the third best beer and don’t drink as much as the other two.

          Remind me to show up at the bar close to last call, then, when I’m old enough to drink.

          Adores: 5
    • 2014 February 17

      ALERT: Possible New Jail Bait in the Snark Lounge!

      Even if Igor came back, he’s too old now.

      Adores: 4
      • 2014 February 17

        If you’re talking about me, I’m not jailbait young – I’m barely-an-adult young.

        Adores: 1
        • 2014 February 18
          Windrose permalink

          Sigh. Cancel Alert, put help wanted sign back up.

          Adores: 3
        • 2014 February 18
          nojazzhere permalink

          Not so fast, Windy!…please define” barely-an-adult young.”….kids in their thirties think of themselves as adults…boy, have they got a lot to learn….(whippersnappers!!!)

          Adores: 4
        • 2014 February 18

          If memory serves, SC is a mere hatchling of eighteen – making him just shy of being jailbait material.

          Adores: 3
  10. 2014 February 17
    Brer Fox permalink

    No worn areas, no soft areas, its in wonderful shape.

    So, none of it has been worn by a table?
    So, it is completely encrusted with centuries of food?
    Wonder Twins powers activate! Form of…Tablecloth! Shape of… Hot air balloon.
    You’re selling a crusty old table cloth and you soaked it in Whoknowswhatlongenoughtoshapeitintosomething-snip-thenletitdrysonowyoucannotevenfititthrough-snip-thedoorofthedrycleanersorintoawashingmachine?
    So if somebodies buys this, are they going to need a truck to haul it away?

    Adores: 2
    • 2014 February 17
      Brer Fox permalink

      Umm, somebodies broke the box. I’m pretty sure it was ninjas.

      Adores: 3
      • 2014 February 17

        Oh, that’s okay, Brer. My username and avatar were broken the other day, and it certainly had nothing to do with the fact that I had forgotten to log in to my account first.

        Nah, man. pirates hijacked my identity! Yeah, that’s it!

        Adores: 2
      • 2014 February 17

        Brer, I’m going to have to have you fixed now.

        Adores: 3
        • 2014 February 17
          Brer Fox permalink

          *crosses legs*
          At least it didn’t go beyond the borders of the screen.

          Adores: 8
        • 2014 February 17
          Brer Fox permalink

          *wakes up*
          Why don’t I feel like the fox I used to be?

          AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

          Adores: 4
    • 2014 February 17
      zero.nada.none. permalink

      “No worn areas, no soft areas, its in wonderful shape.”

      Sounds just like my pen-[shut yore mouf]-sss……

      Sorry, I lost my head….

      Adores: 5
  11. 2014 February 17
    P-Rex permalink

    Coat of Arms? Coats of arms are for octopusses octopi. What I’m looking for is a coat of legs.

    Adores: 6
  12. 2014 February 17

    Just to start with – this was posted nowhere near California.

    Oh, that’s always good to hear. Although I wouldn’t have been surprised if it had been.

    Adores: 3
  13. 2014 February 17
    Brer Fox permalink

    Isn’t Habsburg a suburb of Ish?

    Adores: 3
  14. 2014 February 17

    Just to let you guys know, I have a wooden table with a permanent scorch mark of a clothing iron on it from where Napoleon Bonaparte accidentally forgot to unplug it after ironing his war coat before he went off to fight in Russia.

    See? I can bullshit an item’s history and quality, too!

    Adores: 6
  15. 2014 February 17

    I will be moving back to Europe so will be selling many things, from art to interesting items to some of my classic cars. I collect very old books and art and silver or any noble metal gold.

    See, grandpa? Technology isn’t hard. Dracula uses Craigslist, and he’s way older than you.

    Adores: 7
    • 2014 February 17

      I think Dracula has something of an unfair advantage though, being immortal and all.

      Adores: 5
  16. 2014 February 17
    CapnMac permalink

    Hmmm, since I’m continued vexed getting suitably-bad dog Latin into Shakespearean verse, an aside.

    Ought we notice that there is no photo of this extravagant wonder? (Perhaps, spark has one of those ‘defective’ cameras which only take pictures of thumbs, or black squares).

    I’m suspecting that this embroidered dog’s breakfast on a tarp was brought to the fisrt building with “MUSE” in the title, and offered for sale. This was then declined, and our Spark was directed to a clothing donation bin, and told it was worth “twelve mittens” or the like.

    For Taco: /func :if;QUOT.=la Vaca,Launche!,Moo!/

    Adores: 1
  17. 2014 February 17
    Brer Fox permalink

    “Queen of Bohemia”

    Are bohemias an alternate name for one of the suits in a deck of cards or a less common suit only used by royalty?

    Adores: 4
    • 2014 February 17

      It’s the Bohemian suit. It’s shaped like the country it’s named for. You don’t see it very often because it doesn’t have the symmetrical appeal of the other suits.

      Adores: 2
  18. 2014 February 17

    Off-topic: I just got done watching an episode of Judge Judy where an ad poster from Craigslist threatened to sue the judge for defamation of character after he lost a case regarding the two shih tzu dogs he had put up for sale.

    The judge essentially called him a con artist, which he was.

    If only we could find the ad in question…

    Adores: 3
  19. 2014 February 17

    I so want to see a photo of this. Fooey.

    Adores: 2
  20. 2014 February 18
    DigitalAxis permalink

    This sounds like the exact sort of thing Hyacinth Bucket could use during one of her famous candlelight suppers.

    “Oh, Riiiiichard, dear…”

    Adores: 3

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