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2014 April 25

Hammer Stapler / Tacker – $15



Stanley hammer stapler for tacking roofing felt, flooring paper or installing insulation. Includes a patricidal box of 3/8″ staples. Asking $15

Now, at first glance, this seems perfectly normal. A staple hammer would be an absolutely realistic choice for murdering your father. (Note: do not murder your father) However, if you read this more carefully, it turns out it’s the staples themselves that are patricidal. I didn’t even know staples HAD fathers.

Thanks for this terrifying episode, Taylor!

49 Responses leave one →
  1. 2014 April 25
    camille permalink

    Silly Dan. Where do you think baby staples come from?

    Adores: 2
    • 2014 April 25

      A staple stork?

      Adores: 3
      • 2014 April 25
        MissMommyNiceNice permalink

        Staple Stork is the name of my new Flock of Seagulls cover band.

        Adores: 5
    • 2014 April 25
      One Moving Violation permalink

      [corey]Like many fish, staples will grow according to the size of their habitat. Put them in a bigger box, feed them some staple food, and they will grow to a respectable size.
      But you ask, what about the patricidal aspect to these particular staples? Well, as you know, staple cloning has been used or years to ensure compatibility with branded staplers. Back when staples were free roaming, a person would have to have several different staplers to be able to use the different staples. Apparently, these staples were given a certain hormone at the right time to make them all female. As most staples are male, (The staple penetrates the wood) Sparky must have gone into a hardware store opened boxes and looked under the staples’ skirts to make sure they were female staples (The wood penetrates the staple). Sparky planned to breed his staples, but since his cloned male staples were infertile, the females killed them all.[/ccorey]

      Yet another Sparky fail.

      Adores: 6
      • 2014 April 25
        MissMommyNiceNice permalink

        Free Range Patricidal Staples is the name of my Gwar/Marilyn Manson/Decemberists mashup band. Opening at the Staples Center in August.

        Adores: 2
  2. 2014 April 25
    meeshybee permalink

    They’re not patricidal, they’re high functioning staple-o-paths. Do your research, Sparky.

    Adores: 8
  3. 2014 April 25
    CapnMac permalink

    And here I thought I had the only hammer-tacker named “Banqu0”

    Adores: 2
  4. 2014 April 25

    Goodbye, Papa, it’s time to die
    Now that this tool from Sparky I did buy.
    Now I’ll live without a care
    Because I’m your only heir.
    What a shame you won’t be there.

    (Note: Professional hit man on a closed course. Do not attempt to kill your father at home.)

    Adores: 8
  5. 2014 April 25

    “The staple race can not feel attachments of the familial sort, given that their lives are lived stuck in a wall or floor or several stacks of paper, and so when the child staple comes of age, it is customary that they undergo training as assassins for the day when they must kill their progenitors in honorable warfare.”

    -SC, Office Supplies Behavioral Investigator.

    Adores: 6
  6. 2014 April 25
    MissMommyNiceNice web casino truc tuyenpermalink

    Stop! Patricidal staple time! Nah nah nah nah nah! OoooooooOooooOooo! Break it down!

    Adores: 6
  7. 2014 April 25
    Meredith-SweaterHams-Malfoy permalink

    Cheapest offer of hitman services????

    Why yes….I’m baaaaack. Boo

    Adores: 5
    • 2014 April 25

      Boo? Why boo?

      Why not staple patricide?

      Adores: 2
    • 2014 April 25
      Windrose permalink

      MERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      Eek!

      8) Let me go write a parody of Welcome Back Kotter for you!

      Adores: 2
      • 2014 April 26
        Lou Stool permalink

        Well if Meredith is coming back to say hello, I may as well pop in too!

        Adores: 2
        • 2014 April 26
          LurkRealClose permalink

          Hey look! It must be old home kill your father with staples day.

          Adores: 2
  8. 2014 April 25
    Ralph permalink

    Actually, it’s the BOX that is patricidal, not the staples or the stapler. That’s rather surprising, since most of those have an edifice complex.

    Adores: 6
    • 2014 April 25

      After the Avengers, I don’t trust boxes for anything, blue and glowing or not.

      Adores: 2
    • 2014 April 25
      nojazzhere permalink

      Was this not the basis for a recent episode of Law and Order?….If not, it soon will be.

      “Ripped from the headlines!!!!!”…(of Craigslist)……

      Adores: 6
  9. 2014 April 25
    Ralph permalink

    Back in school again Maxwell plays the fool again
    Father gets annoyed
    Wishing to create a responsible son
    He grounds Max that day, won’t let him dance the night away
    So he waits behind
    Texting 50 girls “I can not go” no no no
    But when Dad turns his back on the boy
    He creeps up from behind

    Bang, bang, Maxwell’s staple hammer
    Came down upon his head
    Bang, bang, Maxwell’s staple hammer
    Made sure that he was dead

    Adores: 5
  10. 2014 April 25
    Windrose permalink

    My new line of refreshments: Patricider!

    Adores: 5
  11. 2014 April 25
    HamCan permalink

    “Use the staples Luke!”

    Adores: 9
  12. 2014 April 25
    camille permalink

    Rodgers & Hart wrote the only song lyric I know that contains the word “patricide,” in the song “To Keep My Love Alive”:

    Sir Atherton indulged in fratricide
    He killed his dad and that was patricide
    One night I stabbed him by my mattress side
    To keep my love alive

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QtWTyw95XLQ

    Nothing in it about staples, though.

    Adores: 2
    • 2014 April 25

      Eh. I’m sure there was some use of a staple gun somewhere in there.

      Adores: 1
  13. 2014 April 25
    Windrose permalink

    Let’s eat Dad!

    Adores: 3
  14. 2014 April 25
    P-Rex permalink

    *shudders*

    ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, HAMMER STAPLERS! ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, HAMMER STAPLERS! Gotta keep dodging those ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, ROOFERS, HAMMER STAPLERS!

    You don’t know what it’s like!

    Adores: 5
  15. 2014 April 25
    Irregular Fractal permalink

    Patricidal Staples is my Dead Kennedys cover band.

    Adores: 6
    • 2014 April 25
      HamCan permalink

      And their top 10(,000) smash hit “To Drunk to Tack”

      Adores: 6
      • 2014 April 25

        Part of the best (non-)selling album, Stay-ple the Night.

        Adores: 4
        • 2014 April 25
          MissMommyNiceNice permalink

          Opening at the Staples Center in June.

          Adores: 2
  16. 2014 April 25
    SilvaNoir permalink

    I can’t imagine what they were trying to type instead of patricidal? Practical? Patented? …Paradoxical?

    Adores: 1
  17. 2014 April 25
    meeshybee permalink

    Sparky’s autocorrect scares me.

    Adores: 4
  18. 2014 April 25

    Out, damned staple! out, I say!—One: two: why,
    then, ’tis time to do’t.—Hell is murky!—Fie, my
    lord, fie! a spark, and a son? What need we
    fear who knows it, when none can call our power
    to account?—Yet who would have thought the old
    man to have had so much roofing felt on him?

    The stapler of Stanley had a son; where is he now?—
    What, will these things ne’er come out?

    Adores: 4
  19. 2014 April 25
    MissMommyNiceNice permalink

    Nailed it! Oh. Shit. Almost. Well, stapled it!

    Adores: 5
    • 2014 April 25

      The only one who could ever keep me
      Was the son of a stapler man…

      yes he was, yes he was…ooooooh
      yes he was…

      Adores: 4
      • 2014 April 26
        P-Rex permalink

        The only thing that could ever sneeze me
        was the nose of a boogie man…

        Ack, ack, ack, ack, ack, ack, ack, ack.
        You ought to blow by now.

        Adores: 1
        • 2014 April 26
          P-Rex permalink

          If you get a spider in your nose,
          you might think that really blows.
          Don’t worry, be happy.

          When a spider crawls in your ear,
          there’s really nothing you should fear.
          Don’t worry, be happy.

          (Don’t worry, be happy now)

          Doot, doot, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, doot, do do.
          Doot, do, do, do, doot, do, do. Doot, do, do, do, do.

          When a spider crawls on your face,
          do not become a basket case.
          Don’t worry, be happy.

          If your pop’s a spider lovin’ fool,
          don’t use a patricidal tool.
          Don’t worry, be happy.

          (Don’t worry, be happy now)

          Adores: 3
  20. 2014 April 26
    Oedipus permalink

    So lemme get this straight….we’re NOT supposed to murder our fathers?

    Adores: 2
  21. 2014 April 27
    One Moving Violation permalink

    Well, back from work. Driving through fog, driving through snow. Dodging dippy does* and fallen rocks. I just have to say it’s hammer time. It’s times like this that remind me of dear old dad. He used to say to me, “Son…”(he used to call me Son for short). He said, “Son, always remember, no no, never forget that you’re carrying a loaded stapler. Always use protection.”

    *plural of female deer

    Adores: 2
  22. 2014 April 28
    Les Withitt permalink

    Evidence that inanimate objects are also among “the quiet ones we need to worry about.”

    Adores: 1

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