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2011 April 18

pink walker/ green and blue bouncer toy/ travel stroller/ and more….


first i have 2 pairs of womens shoes yellow and white sneakers size 8.5 and black interview like shoes size 8 sneakers jus need a good wipe down but there not worn out barely any creases bought them in brooklyn ny for 100 selling for 20 the interview shoes i got them from payless so im giving those away free. next i have about 5 or 6 bibs and a couple burping cloths and i think a towel or two you can take them all for 7 i also have more infant clothes i jus didnt put up including a beautiful pink 12mnth size infant dress great for wedding or church ill give that one up for 15 it was only worn once with NO STAINS,HOLES,ETC. Also i have a travel stroller less bulky then traditional ones i bought the pieces seprately but there both by graco also i have the carseat base for your car i jus didnt have it close when the pictures were taken THE CARSEAT IS PINK but does have a few stains but its probably cheaper to jus buy a new carseat cover than you can use this seat for a boy or girl although i never figured how to take the shade off to which is also pink im selling the base/seat/stroller as a set for 60 the stroller frame alone was 60. and i have a pink disney princess walker in greatcondition nothing broken all the songs and sounds work selling for 20 and a blue and green bouner toy thingy great for a boy only used probably twice everything still works perfectly selling for 20. Alos a bottle warmer for 7 and an infant washable teddybear mobile that plays music has a nightlight with its own timer it vibrates sings and makes bird, water , frog sounds etc. great for a bassinet or crib for $7everything im selling is in slightly to like new condition i was unable to put pictures up but there are in my phone so if interested email me a number and what item(s) your interested in and i can send a picture to ur phone

Remember – THE CARSEAT IS PINK.

Also, the owls are not what they seem…

Thanks for the crazy, Surly Girl!

138 Responses leave one →
  1. 2011 April 18

    I’ve been to Burpingcloth, it’s in England right near North Piddle.

    Adores: 17
    • 2011 April 18

      I believe I recall that place. It borders West Baldingnob to the north and Spadwick-upon-Crump to the south. I’ve never gone there. It’s a silly place.

      Adores: 9
      • 2011 April 18

        Yes, yes…the “Ministry of Silly Walks” is headquartered there. However, I do believe its Feline Division is farther East, near Yackis-on-Carpeth.

        Adores: 11
  2. 2011 April 18

    The car set is pink. The cover is a lie.

    Adores: 9
  3. 2011 April 18

    Sadly…no tragically…this looks like a typical e-mail from my oldest always-going-ninety-to-nothing daughter.

    Except she’s (usually) not trying to sell me stuff.

    If she needs to sell stuff she sends me one of these e-mails and I turn it into a CL ad, that hopefully will never see the light of day here.

    Then again, maybe my being sick the last few days has led my daughter to this…this…I don’t even know what this is.

    All I do know is this:

    THE CARSEAT IS PINK

    and

    PUDDING NOT ON FIRE!

    Adores: 18
  4. 2011 April 18

    a beautiful pink 12mnth size infant dress great for wedding or church ill

    I don’t think Churchill is in any condition to wear a pink infant’s dress, no matter how beautiful it is.

    Adores: 22
    • 2011 April 18

      That’s disappointing.

      I’d been looking for a dress for my 12 mo. old daughter, Churchill, to wear to her wedding in June.

      Adores: 19
    • 2011 April 18
      Lara permalink

      I love the mental image you just gave me!

      Adores: 1
      • 2011 April 18

        Was he smoking a cigar? ‘Cause that’s what I was picturing when I read it the first time.

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 April 18

          I was picturing a large amount of decaying. Maybe zombie-Churchhill is looking for a dress?

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 April 18

          Poor zombie-Churchill, not many stores carry postmortem fashions. No wonder he has to resort to CraigsList.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 April 18
          Lola permalink

          PostMortem Fashions, tonight at the 40 Watt. Special guest opening act: Zombie Churchill and the Infant Wedding Dress.

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 April 18
          SisterLyle permalink

          Performing their hit single “THE CARSEAT IS PINK!”

          Adores: 7
        • 2011 April 18

          (P.S. Speaking of the 40 Watt, my newest band on Rock Band is called “The Nerky Pigsticks”. I think I’m awesome. :-p)

          Adores: 6
      • 2011 April 18
        Lara permalink

        I was envisioning him alive with a cigar at a dinner party with a tiara saying “I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.” I think Churchill and Groucho Marx were kindred souls in some ways.

        Adores: 5
  5. 2011 April 18
    LadyHavoc permalink

    Anyone else feel slightly short of breath after reading that post? I don’t usually read out loud, but I thought I’d try it. I got to the “pink” part before I passed out…

    Adores: 6
    • 2011 April 18

      I tried that too, you made it farther than I did. I lost consciousness around “brooklyn ny”.

      Adores: 5
    • 2011 April 18
      Addicted Reader permalink

      I didn’t try to read it out loud, but I still needed to take a few deep breaths after reading it.

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 April 18
        artsy computer geek permalink

        I’m thinking a nap maybe…..

        Adores: 4
        • 2011 April 18
          Addicted Reader permalink

          Don’t tempt me…

          Adores: 2
  6. 2011 April 18
    Lola permalink

    Molly Bloom writes a Craigslist ad:
    “for $7everything yes im selling is in slightly to like new condition yes i was unable to put pictures up but there are in my phone yes i said yes”

    Other than that, I got nothin’ at this point on a Monday morning.

    Adores: 4
    • 2011 April 18
      Lara permalink

      I love this.

      Adores: 0
    • 2011 April 18
      SisterLyle permalink

      I totally just read that like Foghorn Leghorn…

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 April 18

        :snergle:

        Adores: 0
      • 2011 April 18
        Lola permalink

        Bwah! As an English major and one who did her master’s thesis on modern Irish writers, I LOVE the idea of reading Molly Bloom’s soliloquy as Foghorn Leghorn. I am already preparing to get kicked of of my next Bloomsday reading, and it’s not until June. /nerdery

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 April 18
          Lara permalink

          I would enjoy hearing that.

          Adores: 0
  7. 2011 April 18
    Windrose permalink

    I lost consciousness around “brooklyn ny”.

    That happens to a lot of girls, SJ/GC.

    Adores: 16
    • 2011 April 18
      Lola permalink

      It can be avoided there if you also avoid hipsters offering free PBR.

      Adores: 6
      • 2011 April 18

        But they had such a nice Vanagon!

        Adores: 4
      • 2011 April 18
        Lara permalink

        (corey)I hate to say it but I have difficulty with this line of joking. I have some history here and it makes me feel like puking when someone jokes about it. I don’t know if I should keep that to myself, I don’t want to step on anyone’s humor or snark, I just guess I needed to say it at least for my own feeling of empowerment over it.(/corey)

        Adores: 2
        • 2011 April 18

          That’s fine with me. I’m sure we can find other things to be funny about.

          Adores: 0
    • 2011 April 18

      Anyone know how to get spray paint off? I think someone tagged me while I was unconscious.

      :peers over shoulder:

      Apparently I’m property of the “Jammerzz” now.

      Adores: 6
      • 2011 April 18
        Addicted Reader permalink

        Bleach.

        Solves everything.

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 April 18
          Lola permalink

          Including pesky DNA traces.

          What?

          Adores: 2
    • 2011 April 18
      Bombdude permalink

      I lost consciousness around “brooklyn ny”.
      That happens to a lot of girls.

      Just remember to stay away from the ether bunny this weekend…

      Well… All the time, really.

      Adores: 4
  8. 2011 April 18
    Windrose permalink

    If I knew this poster, I would probably have to report her to Child Welfare Services. Her daughter had all these wonderful toys and was only allowed to play with them once or twice, so they would stay in great condition for selling on CL. And what happened to the child? And why doesn’t she need the interview shoes any more? I NEED ANSWERS! And more coffee.

    Adores: 9
    • 2011 April 18
      Lola permalink

      *passes flask, and meds, to Windy*

      Adores: 0
      • 2011 April 18
        Windrose permalink

        Thanks, Lola! *takes meds, washes down with flask contents* I’ll be fine now.

        Adores: 1
    • 2011 April 18
      Lara permalink

      I generally need answers but I’ll be damned if I get them. For instance, how can I so completely loose the remote when I am the only one living here other than the cat who has no thumbs?

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 April 18
        Lola permalink

        He doesn’t need thumbs to hide it from you successfully … at least, mine doesn’t.

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 April 18

          Fearless has found a foolproof method for hiding the remote – she sleeps on it. Sometimes she twitches in her sleep and makes the channel or volume change.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 April 18
          Lara permalink

          Well my cat is klepto, she steals exclusively nail polish so I wouldn’t put it past her to be harassing me with the remote.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 April 18

          My cat, Bugsy-the-Insane, hates loud noises. Now, given that a cat’s hearing is what, 1000 times more sensitive than mine, it doesn’t take much to aggravate him. He really gets pissed when the telly is too loud (to him) and will smack me repeatedly on the ankle until I turn it down…orrrr…plaintively yowl as he walks around the house…until we turn it down.

          He haff a crazy.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 April 18
          Lara permalink

          All cats haff a crazy. I realized recently that my cat makes a sweeping motion after she eats and when she is around the bath tub because she is mimicking covering her doody in the litterbox. I think she is slightly overzealous now but hey, she’s not pissing anywhere but the box so who am I to judge?

          Oh and I still think that is the coolest name for a cat ever!

          Adores: 0
  9. 2011 April 18

    But what color is the carseat?

    Adores: 10
    • 2011 April 18
      Windrose permalink

      kelli, shhhh! It’s a closely guarded secret.

      Adores: 8
    • 2011 April 18

      Seriously.

      You go to all this trouble to craft a CL ad, and you cannot even tell me what color the damned car seat is???

      Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot

      Adores: 2
  10. 2011 April 18

    green bouner toy thingy great for a boy only

    What is a bouner toy thingy? Why is it for a boy only? Is it really appropriate to be selling a toy thingy?

    Adores: 9
    • 2011 April 18

      Only boys can get bouners, silly. Well, except Chyna.

      My, but this corner is big.

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 April 18
        artsy computer geek permalink

        seen on a yellow sticky note in the corner

        Mindfield — we had to expand the corner recently due to the increased activity.

        The YSaC Maintenance Crew

        Adores: 4
        • 2011 April 18

          We get our own gnomes!?

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 April 18

          Can we get an elf in here? My interview shoes need some work done.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 April 18
          Lara permalink

          You want curled toes? I want curled legs like The Wicked Witch of the West after the house fell on her.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 April 18

          With the striped stockings!

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 April 18

          East…it was the wicked witch of the East, my pretties….

          Yer talkin’ to a WoO FAN-atic here.

          God Bless L. Frank Baum…and opium…

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 April 18
          Lola permalink

          Er, with that combo, what kind of position are you interviewing for?

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 April 18
          SisterLyle permalink

          Er, with that combo, what kind of position are you interviewing for?

          … *blink blink* … *snicker* … *goes and joins Mindfield in the corner without saying a word.*

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 April 18
          Lola permalink

          My work here is done, Lyle. 8)

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 April 18
          Lara permalink

          Oh noes! Sorry CJ. However now I want to picture Glinda laughing maniacally for no reason. I guess because I am directionally challenged and I am now going North.

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 April 18
          Windrose permalink

          CJ, if you are ever in San Diego area, I will personally guide you around The Hotel Del Coronado. They have a display (well, they did last time I went there) chronicaling the times Mr. Baum spent there, and had lots of special stuff about the book and the movie. 8)

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 April 18

          It’s a date, Windy!

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 April 18
          Lara permalink

          I want to come Windy! Isn’t that the same hotel from Some Like It Hot?

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 April 18
          Windrose permalink

          Everyone who can make it is invited! 8) Bonus points for Lara for that answer, yes indeed it is!

          Adores: 0
  11. 2011 April 18

    Somehow the ad title read like it was straight out of The Sound of Music (if it were written by Lewis Carroll).

    Pink walker green and blue bouncer toy travel
    The car seat is pink and it might just unravel
    Burping cloths, bibs and a towel that sings
    These are a few of my craziest things

    Interview shoes, they just need a good wipe-down
    A teddy bear mobile that belts out Funky Town
    Beautiful pink dress for infant weddings
    These are a few of my craziest things

    When the bear vibes
    Makes frog bird sounds
    From the bassinet
    I back away slowly and reach for my gun
    And break out in a cold sweat

    The strollers were far when the pictures were taken
    No, those are not stains, you must be mistaken
    Maybe there might be some scratches or dings
    Please won’t you purchase my crazy-ass things?

    When the bear vibes
    Makes frog bird sounds
    From the bassinet
    I back away slowly and reach for my gun
    And break out in a cold sweat

    Adores: 17
  12. 2011 April 18

    [OT]

    I feel a migraine coming on. I popped a couple of pills. Hoping they will serve the headache an eviction notice.

    Got a wonderfully random piece of blog spam the other day.

    To change a stubborn tire bolt, I thought “to get the most torque, I need to apply the force as far from the center as possible.” success!!

    I can only imagine someone having this epiphany.

    “Wow! This is amazing! I can’t believe how well that worked! Do scientists know about this? Perhaps I should tell them. I think I will call this idea … ummmm … leverage! Yes, leverage!”

    I imagine this is what the abruptly-spawned whale would have done had it survived the fall to Magrathea.

    [/OT]

    Adores: 12
    • 2011 April 18

      Aw, I never get blog spam…

      EDIT: That is not permission to spam my blog.

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 April 18

        Awww…

        Way to spoil the fun.

        Adores: 0
      • 2011 April 18
        SisterLyle permalink

        *glances at half-opened tin of spam* Well now what the hell am I supposed to do with this? *gets out the BBQ* Grilled spamburger, anyone?

        Adores: 2
    • 2011 April 18

      I’m jealous; I haven’t gotten any really good spam yet, just the usual bots trying to sell me penile enhancements.

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 April 18
        Lara permalink

        This is NSFW but hilarious and relevant
        http://thebloggess.com/2010/09/an-open-letter-to-spammers/

        Adores: 2
        • 2011 April 18
          artsy computer geek permalink

          Lara — Loved It!!!!! Thanks for sharing.

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 April 18

          I love her ?

          I’m tempted to use “My non-existent penis fell off” the next time I call in sick.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 April 18
          SisterLyle permalink

          I have had such a craptasical day. That just made it so much less poopy! Thanks, Lara!

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 April 18
          Lara permalink

          I love that woman. She has the funniest sense of humor and is easily as strange as I am which makes me feel good. She met Neil Gaiman but had to wear a “confidence wig” to do it. For some reason, wigs make her feel better. She has plenty of nice hair. That and the conversations she has with her husband Victor are worth reading the blog for. I particularly loved this post though and I feel that I should be able to sue someone for my non-existent penis too. Cock-a-sorus Rex tonight at the 40 Watt!

          Adores: 1
      • 2011 April 18

        It took me five months of having my blog up to get my first bit of spam.

        If you’re up for five months or more, please consult a doctor.

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 April 18

          I am apparently a spam magnet. Mine has only been up for a little over a month and there are 26 items in my spam box. Mind you I’m using a third party comment system which may have something to do with it.

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 April 18

          Well, duh, think how many spammers show up here, and we’ve only ever had one party*!

          *It never stops, so it only counts as one, right?

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 April 18

          Ain’t no party like a Y-SAC party ‘cos a Y-SAC party don’t HEY, IT’S BEA ARTHUR!

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 April 18
          Jen permalink

          There ain’t no party like Bea Arthur’s tea party – hey, oh!

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 April 18

          I saw a “Gaslighting” reference in there too, among the comments. Very small world.

          Adores: 0
    • 2011 April 18
      artsy computer geek permalink

      he said he was crazy, not stupid (as the old joke goes)…..

      Adores: 0
      • 2011 April 18

        ACG, you’re looking decidedly lowercase today.
        Is there something you need to tell us?

        Adores: 0
        • 2011 April 18
          artsy computer geek permalink

          astro — you know how it is, spring break, kids home, no food (even through I just went grocery shopping).

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 April 18
          artsy computer geek permalink

          astro — byw — I wave everytime I go by that prison they keep you in over by the mall.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 April 18

          Aw, thanks. At least the wardens are entertaining and there’s no danger if you drop the soap.

          Adores: 5
    • 2011 April 18
      Lara permalink

      I wake up every morning to discover gravity

      Adores: 2
  13. 2011 April 18
    Camille permalink

    Why would anyone want to interview a pair of shoes?

    Adores: 5
    • 2011 April 18
      artsy computer geek permalink

      It would probably start out something like this ……

      “So where have you been lately?”

      “What is really like?”

      “Do you get thrown around a lot?”

      “What that spot that looks like blood from?”

      Adores: 1
    • 2011 April 18

      I am totally turning this into a story.

      Adores: 6
  14. 2011 April 18
    Angel permalink

    Sparkles seems really defensive about the Churchill dress, as well as slightly apologetic that she didn’t have a boy so that she could sell his belongings on CL along with her babygirl’s things.

    Adores: 5
  15. 2011 April 18
    Lara permalink

    great for a boy only used probably twice

    My God! What has she been using boys for?!

    Adores: 2
    • 2011 April 18

      Kindling.

      Adores: 5
      • 2011 April 18
        Lara permalink

        Oh, I was thinking maybe she was a witch and wanted them for dinner but then how can they be used twice? Left overs?

        Adores: 0
        • 2011 April 18

          A boy that good you don’t want to eat consume prepare as food all at once.

          Adores: 1
    • 2011 April 18
      Lola permalink

      Bait.

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 April 18

        Hi, I’m Chris Hansen…

        Adores: 4
        • 2011 April 18
          Lara permalink

          I think if I saw that guy I would just run. I have never done anything to remotely warrant his presence but he’s like the grim reaper of tv.

          Adores: 0
  16. 2011 April 18
    Lara permalink

    i jus didnt have it close when the pictures were taken

    There are no pictures with this Sparkles. I’m slightly frightened of what Sparkles would send you in a text message if this is how she writes regularly.

    Adores: 2
    • 2011 April 18
      CoffDrop permalink

      Pictures are just pictures:

      Picture in a Frame by Rachel RTVW

      Your pictures are in frames, memories on my wall,
      To have you here again, I would give them all.
      A picture cannot capture, the beauty of your skin,
      Or the radiating glow I’d feel, whenever you would grin.
      They cannot talk or sing to me, the way you used to do,
      I’ll never love another, the way that I love you.

      So I look at you my soul mate, a picture in a frame,
      I cry my tears of sorrow, cause I feel God’s to blame.
      He came and took the one, who made my life complete,
      And all that’s left are pictures, and an empty seat.
      I also have a feeling down, deep within my heart,
      It’s the pain of loneliness, since we’ve been apart.

      I try not to let the grief, just overcome my day,
      I’ll blow a kiss to heaven and send it when I pray.
      I’ll ask God to free me now, from a world so blue,
      To take me up to Paradise, so I can fly with you.
      I’m waiting for the day you come, calling out my name,
      Until then I’ll be staring at, your picture in a frame.

      Adores: 1
  17. 2011 April 18

    OT – Is anyone else getting an ad for something called “Woombie”? It looks like a duffel bag you keep a baby in.

    Adores: 0
  18. 2011 April 18
    SpaceBug permalink

    I too, have NO STAINS,HOLES,ETC.

    :Wait a sec., what’s this spot on my-:

    -nevermind.

    Adores: 3
  19. 2011 April 18
    Lara permalink

    I have no idea how I got here given I left this site planning to go write but this is an awesome bumper sticker for all of us
    http://www.northernsun.com/n/s/Give-Bees-A-Chance-Bumper-Sticker-%287191%29.html

    I’m just all full of links today

    Adores: 2
  20. 2011 April 18
    Innana permalink

    Lady Madonna, children at your feet.
    Craigslist helps you manage to make ends meet.
    You get the money when you sell your stuff;
    Wonder if three hundred sixty words are enough?

    The carseat base is stained, but buy a cover.
    A new one will be cheaper than you think.
    Your boy or girl won’t care for any other…
    THE CARSEAT IS PINK.

    Lady Madonna, photos in your phone.
    Punctuation is to you the great unknown.

    Adores: 12
  21. 2011 April 18

    Note: I was debating whether to post this here or just save it for the scheduled blog posting tomorrow morning, but I decided to post it here now while it’s still relevant. It’s still scheduled to be posted on the blog tomorrow morning though.

    Orn hated shopping for shoes. It seemed to him that whoever started the many various shoe companies in existence modeled their first line on their own feet which must surely have been misshapen lumps such that they were only truly wearable to a vanishingly small fraction of the human population, and every subsequent line of shoes was designed from those. What’s more, it seemed like a size 11 from one manufacturer was another’s size 10, or size 12, or were meant to fit over size 11 feet that were already fitted with pontoons.

    “Hi!” chirped the artificially joyous sales associate. “Can I help you find some shoes in your size?”
    He knew that ultimately it would probably just antagonize him, but a part of him sometimes wished the salesmen would just act like they were really feeling — sad, broken husks of skin trapped in an unfulfilling job that required them to spend inordinate amounts of time inhaling the world’s foot odor. However, as much as the company-mandated obsequiousness grated, he’d rather have an empty smile directed at him than a hostile grimace. “Yes, I’m looking for some size 11s, leather, no buckles or fringes or anything. Just some nice, simple business shoes.”
    “I can help you with that,” the salesman — his name tag said “Sturp” — said.
    Orn allowed himself to be led to a small, rotund, tiered display with a variety of styles placed on the lower level and a single pair on the top. The shoes on the lower tier were all clamoring for attention.
    “These,” Sturp said, picking the single pair on top, “are our top sellers. Would you like to interview them?”
    But this — this was the part of shoe shopping that he hated the most. If the forced obsequiousness of the salesmen irritated him, the genuine, pathetic, desperate willingness of shoes to please nearly drove him to drink every single time. “Fine.”
    Sturp motioned for him to take one of the available seats while he grabbed a stand and placed the shoes upon them such that they rested with the toes facing him a little below eye-level.

    The associate left them to get acquainted. Orn sighed. He might as well get this over with. “So, uh … tell me about yourselves.”
    “Oh, wonderful, yes, it’s great to meet you, sir,” the left shoe — or rather, the right shoe on his left — replied with such enthusiasm that he thought the pair might sprout tails just so they could wag them. “Well, let’s see, my mate and I here are a pair of patent leather business shoes — Power Points, our makers called us, which was awfully clever of them, don’t you think? Anyway, we’re soft and supple leather with a special treatment to resist creasing and scuffing so we stay looking quite dashing long after other shoes are showing their age — not to speak ill of my brethren when they’re not here to defend themselves, you understand.”
    “I see,” Orn said. It never failed to disconcert him to watch the front of the shoes flapping around as they spoke. For some reason he always thought they should speak from the top, because that’s where the tongue was — but then the thought of shoving his feet straight into their mouths was at once disturbing and mildly satisfying. But mostly disturbing. “How about your soles?”
    “Oh, absolutely, sir! Our soles are thin yet durable and are made of high-tech material that resists wear while putting an unexpected spring in your step, and they are lovingly double-stitched into our fine uppers. I daresay they won’t be falling off or wearing down any time soon, sir!”
    “Lining?” Orn said shortly. He just wanted to get this over with.
    “Of course, sir! Two of them! Ha-ha, a little shoe humour. But seriously, our linings are soft and warm yet breathable, which helps to reduce the amount that your feet sweat. Oh, but not to worry, sir! If your feet do sweat, our linings will gladly absorb them into their charcoal filter to reduce odor. Not that we think your feet stink, or will stink, but even if they do, and we fully understand that it’s not your fault, we don’t mind at all. We love foot sweat!”
    Orn couldn’t suppress the gag. It was almost enough to make him get up and walk out — but he really needed shoes, and despite everything, these looked pretty good so far. They were stylish without being ostentatious, just as he wanted, and the construction seemed solid and reliable. He just needed to get through a few more minutes. “Okay. Anything else I should know?”
    “Oh, yes, sir!” the left shoe said breathlessly. “Absolutely, sir! You see, we have a special feature — the one for which we were so cleverly named. You see there on the tip, that little hole there?” Orn could almost feel the shoe wishing it had fingers with which to point. “Well, inside that hole is a little laser pointer. If you use my colleague here to tap a button on the sole on my left side, it will activate the pointer, and you can use me to give presentations!” The shoe almost seemed to swell with pride; its voice couldn’t hide the fact that this was its killer ace in the hole that would guarantee a sale.

    At first it seemed like an utterly ridiculous idea, using your shoe to point at a presentation. He was about to dismiss it with a bark of derisive laughter, but for some reason thought about it a moment. It appeared to be angled upward, so all he’d really have to do to point it around is roll his foot around on its heel. He had no idea why this would be any better or more useful than a regular hand-held laser pointer, but he was oddly intrigued. “Alright, interesting. Okay, so how about I try you on?”
    “Oh, yes, sir, would you? I think you will find us supremely comfortable, you just give us a go and see!”
    Orn grabbed the pair, turned them around and placed them on the floor. As he kicked off his ratty old shoes, he heard one of the new shoes mutter, “Oh, dear, what dreadful construction!” under its breath. He slipped his feet into the new shoes, and although it could have been his imagination, he could almost swear he felt the shoes quiver with delight and emit a shuddering sigh. He stood up and took a few experimental steps around, testing the fit and function. Surprisingly, they did indeed fit quite well — a shoe manufacturer whose founder had surprisingly normal feet. They fit the contours of his feet just so, supporting and cradling in equal measures where appropriate. They felt warm, but not too warm, and the lining was pleasantly soft. His steps felt like they had just the right amount of spring, and he’d be enjoying it more than he was if the left shoe — the one who was silent throughout the interview — didn’t keep emitting a quiet “Oh!” of pleasure every time he stepped on it.
    “Try the laser,” the right shoe encouraged. “Go on, give it a go!”
    As instructed, he tapped a small button on the right shoe with the left and saw a small red dot suddenly project itself onto a woman’s breast. The timing and positioning amused him for barely a moment before the woman noticed and, with a short yelp, jumped out of the way and cast a furious eye at him. Embarrassed, Orn swung his foot elsewhere and pointed it at a sale sign. He tested out the movement of the pointer and found he was able to point out specific letters in the sign quite easily, though it would take a little getting used to.

    Sturp returned at that moment, walking straight toward him in a manner that caused the little dot to climb his leg and stop at his crotch. Orn turned the pointer off with a tap, as this was much less amusing.
    “So how are you and the shoes getting along?” the associate asked.
    “Uh, fine, fine.”
    “What do you think of the shoes?”
    Orn really didn’t want to belabor this. The shoes fit nicely, they were of solid construction, and though he still found the laser pointer a bit silly, he thought it was a novel touch. “They’re quite nice, actually. I’ll take them.”
    “Excellent!” the associate crowed, throwing his hands together with a clap. The shoes let out an excited cheer. “Would you like to wear them out?”
    “Yes,” Orn replied; his old shoes were just a little too ratty to consider taking them any further. “I think I will.”
    “Fantastic,” Sturp beamed. “So if you’ll just remove them, I’ll have them taken out back and killed, and then we’ll just sew up the mouth and bring them right out. Shouldn’t be more than ten minutes.”
    “Great,” Sturp said as he removed the shoes.
    And with that, the associate took the shoes to the back. He watched them go as they chattered triumphantly to each other. Although he’d bought his fair share of shoes in the past, he couldn’t recall any other pair who quite were so excited to die, but he was sure they were probably just as glad this was over as he was.

    Adores: 7
    • 2011 April 18
      Bombdude permalink

      We love foot sweat!

      I think I just threw up in my mouth a little…

      Great story! I think you switched shoes with the laser pointer though, between the interview and the trying them on part.

      Adores: 1
      • 2011 April 18

        Yeah, the left/right thing got a little confusing for me, and I actually did mess them up at one point, but fixed it — I think. Right shoe = talky/laser pointery, left shoe = Teller. The confusion comes from the right shoe being on the left while facing Orn at the beginning.

        Adores: 0
    • 2011 April 18
      Lola permalink

      Disturbing. And I like it.

      The bit at the end was vaguely reminiscent of the cow in The Restaurant at the End of the Universe modeling itself before it became dinner.

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 April 18

        Heh, I thought about the cow scene when I was writing that, too. Actually, I was thinking about the cow scene the entire time, pretty much — kind of inescapable when Adams set the standard for anthropomorphized things being bred/created to enjoy their otherwise disturbing fates. So I debated at the end whether I should have the associate nip off and straight up kill the shoes or just sew the mouth closed for final sale. In the end, killing seemed the more humane option.

        Adores: 2
    • 2011 April 18
      Camille permalink

      No actual shoes were harmed in the production of this story.

      Sorry, I had to say that. I’m very tender-hearted where shoes are concerned.

      Adores: 1
  22. 2011 April 18
    SpaceBug permalink

    The Rooster Types at Midnight.

    Blue bouner nd walkr pink travel green.
    Wimen shu yellow teh sneaker seen.
    Siz 8 like shoo intervu blacks.
    Wipe dwn bearly creeses an cracks.

    Burpin cloth towl 5/6 of abib.
    Brooklin Newyorque? drop ina mycribb.
    Infent wedding Churchyll ware pink.
    No stains holes no evin a link.

    Few stayns gurl boy no shade off.
    Diznee noise maker make sownd coff.
    mobul teddibare like vibrayte?
    Frog bird watr light vassilayte.

    Ur phone mi phone picturs perty.
    Seet base stolller are not durty.
    Warshabill infants and greenblue toy.
    All thins must go an bring u grate joy.

    Adores: 3
  23. 2011 April 18
    Lara permalink

    The only way I could think of to show off my Churchill with a stogie, dress, and tiara was to make it my avatar briefly. I don’t have a blog (yet). Yes Churchill had a nice rack.

    I am waiting for gravatar to catch up.

    Adores: 2
    • 2011 April 18

      I see him!

      Nice rack hat.

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 April 18
        Lola permalink

        I know, right? I had no idea old Winnie was so well endowed.

        This avatar is genius,* Lara.

        *possibly disturbed genius, but it wouldn’t be the first time ’round here.

        Adores: 0
        • 2011 April 18
          Lara permalink

          Thanks Lola!

          Adores: 0
    • 2011 April 18
      CoffDrop permalink

      Bessie Braddock: “Sir, you are drunk.”
      Churchill: “Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober.”

      Adores: 1
  24. 2011 April 19
    Windrose permalink

    Hold that cue card up a little higher, please. Ahem. Astroganash, Punchity punch punch. (Punchity punch punch? What does that even mean?)

    G’Night, Oxfordshire! (Oh, I get it. Churchill was born and died there!)

    Adores: 1
  25. 2011 April 29
    monkeypizzasonic permalink

    *Not very snarky, sorry* MAKE SEPERATE LISTINGS FORYOUR ITEMS, YOU LAZY BUM.

    Adores: 0

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